Writins of Weakeyes Cody
Talented and witty writings
Coming Out Of The Closet @2000
I can never throw any of my old clothes away. Some psychologist would probably suggest that I'm a bit warped due to having been economically challenged as a child. But for whatever reason, I have a closet full of old clothes that I've had since flared Levi's were in style. And jackets and coats that are even older.
I talk to people everyday that are younger than my socks. I once said to my son, "That refrigerator is older than you." To which he replied, "Dad, everything we own is older than me." So it's not only my clothing that needs updating, but most of our household appliances as well.
I've got boots that are made of 100% American leather. Its true. What's more, they were made right here in the U.S.A. I can't throw those away!
Not long ago I noticed that my underwear was getting a bit frayed. Holding them up to the light revealed how thin they were. I could see right through both sides. No holes mind you, but oh so thin. So, I decided to go out and purchase several new ones to replace the old ones. I walked right in to a big department store and bought twenty dollars worth of Hanes' best bikini briefs - eight pairs - enough to last me about five years. I picked the bikinis because with my build no matter what kind I buy they all end up fitting me like bikinis anyway.
I brought them home and pitched the bag on the bureau, planning to toss every one of my old ones in the trash at the earliest opportunity. Well, it wasn't long until I walked out of the shower and reached for my new underwear. They were spooled up in a tight roll, the way I once had to roll 'em when I was in the Air Force. This is okay, I thought, nice and contemporary. Now I can be right in there with all the other guys. Shaking them out I slipped a leg into one hole feeling how nice and slick they were, then hopped around on one foot until I snapped the waste band on the whole operation.
Looking in the mirror, I concluded that they looked as good as my old ones, and perceived a measure of pride once again that I had sufficient underwear to last me well into the next century. Still something wasn't quite right. They were cut a bit high, but still they seemed to stay put without threatening to go where they shouldn't. Then it suddenly occurred to me that there was no fly. My first urge was to peel them off before my wife saw them and accused me of wearing panties. Old men these days have to be very careful lest their reputation get spattered all over some local tabloid's smut section or the neighbors whisper things about us. But I kept them on and quickly slipped over to the bureau to read the package they came in. Nowhere on the package did I find where it said 'men's underwear', but there was a picture of this macho looking dude flexing his muscles while dressed only in these flyless bikini briefs. This is what I saw when I picked them off the store shelf.
What to do? Do men really wear underwear without a fly? If so, how do they behave? I mean, how does one do what must be done several times daily? I can think of about three selections open to the situation, none of which I really favor, but I suppose is necessary? I really can't inconspicuously ease up to any of my friends and ask if they have a fly in their shorts. They'll think things about me.
I haven't yet thrown my old shorts away and most likely I won't. At least not until I solve this problem. I was even hesitant to tell my darlin' wife about this. But after I did she told me that the neighbor girl buys them all the time, preferring them over what she used to wear. Now I'm really confounded.
I was going to replace much of my old clothes, but after this I'm wondering if I shouldn't just stay in the closet?
~ Weakeyes Cody 2000